The Expendables 3 (2014)

Stallone's back as Mercenary Barney, but so is his nemesis, ex-friend, co-founder of The Expendables, but now multi-millionaire arms dealer Conrad Stonebanks (Mel Gibson) and he's out to kill him...again!

He feels his old team are long in the tooth so employs new blood to hunt down Stonebanks, and so commences 2 hours of wise cracking, head cracking, explosions and gun fights with a thread bare plot that numbs the senses, pop out for 5 minutes to get a drink and you won't wonder what you just missed , oh look, something else got blown up! The movie is star studded as usual (how do the producers manage it for such a mediocre franchise...oh yeah, I forgot $$$) Arnie, Han Solo's Dad, Dolph Lungren, umm Wesley Snipes, though whenever Antonio Banderos was on screen all I could picture was 'Puss In Boots'!!

At times the frantic pace of the movie does become slightly tedious, and dare I say dull, but on the whole it's fairly entertaining nonsense with the brain in neutral.

*****

Captain America:The Winter Soldier (2014)

2011's "Captain America:The First  Avenger" was an enjoyable romp and an above average addition to the (growing) Marvel comic book movie adaptations, so I was hoping for more of the same, and boy do Directors Anthony and Joe Russo deliver!

This is high octane 'boys own' movie making with an intelligent beating heart, post 9/11 cold warHow do we know who the bad guys are?" "If they start shooting at you they're bad!!", a serious bad ass villain Sebastian Stan as The Winter Soldier, a head cracking machine gun toting cross between Brandon Lee's The Crow and Tom Hardy's Bane!
politics for a plot, a fine cast (Samuel L Jackson, Robert Redford, Scarlett Johansson,Chris Evans), massive all guns blazing action set pieces, a dry sense of humour ("

An excellent  old school action packed story with a dark Political underbelly.

*****

Brick Mansions (2014)

Right the plot, this won't take long, a Cop (the late Paul Walker) goes under-cover in the 'Brick Mansions' a lawless environment surrounded by huge containment walls and housing Detroits most dangerous criminals, his job is to recover a bomb, stolen by Drug's Kingpin Tremaine (RZA)

What you get for the next 90 odd minutes is a lot of fisty cuffs, jumping around from David Belle, gunfight's, car chases....repeat! It's all a bit of a mess, the characters all ramped up to the max, dumb ass gang members who can't hit a target 10 foot away with an automatic machine gun, ridiculous right hand bad girl Rayzah (Ayisha Issa) , that's Rayzah not Razor, cleaver eh? and a quite preposterous ending.

Blehhh!

*****

Need For Speed (2014)

Yay! It's a movie adapted from a popular video game, well done Hollywood!

Jessie from 'Breaking Bad' Aaron Paul plays illegal street racer Tobey Marshal, out to win the winner takes all cross country race through California....and get revenge on rival Dino Brewster (Dominic Cooper) who framed him for the manslaughter of his best friend.

It plays like it was directed and written by a teenage boy but the 2 hours fly by, just like the cars, the racing looks great (just like the cars, Lambo, McClaren P1 etc) it's silly, predictable but fairly good fun.

*****

He Who Dares (2014)

A bunch of ruthless terrorists kidnap the Prime Minister's daughter and hole themselves up in a booby trapped underground car park. This is straight to a dvd Brit action flick, akin to an ultra violent C5 drama, and I mean ultra violent, these bad asses waste about 20 people in the first 20 minutes!

The movie s obviously made on a shoe string, Tom Benedict Knight as leader of the terrorists Christopher Lowe is good value for money, but the rest of the cast are shockingly wooden and the movie has the usual bad guys who can't hit a target 10 foot away, even with a sub machine gun, and the obligatory bomb counting down with handy digital timer. Dross.

*****

300:Rise Of An Empire (2014)

Zach Snyder's '300' back in 2006 was a guilty pleasure, a flash CGI blood and guts, and this sequel doesn't disappoint in the 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' rule. The plot? umm, the Persians are at war with the Greeks, not sure why, don't really care, what we're here for is blood and guts, and it's maxed up it all it's all it's mad surreal PS4  slo-mo style CGI, arms, head's are lopped off, we get rivers of blood (literally).

The dialogue is as inane and inconsequential as you would expect ('Game Of Thrones' fans will probably lap it up) the characters dull as ditch water...except for one, Eva Green as Artemisia, the leader of the Persian army, the sexiest bad ass you could wish for, a mad mix of certificate 18 Walt Disney villain crossed with a 70's Hammer horror villainess, she oozes evil and screen presence, and I can't wait to see her in 'Sin City 2' later this year. It all ends in a rousing speech, proceeded by a massive scrap, it's all very silly, but bloody good fun.

*****

Jack Ryan:Shadow Recruit (2014)

Based on best selling author Tom Clancy's books, this stars Chris Pine as an ex Army vet turned CIA, as he tries to uncover a Russian plot to destabilise the US economy, yes it's as dull as it sounds. Pine is as dull and wooden as the plot, Kevin Costner is competent as his 'handler' William Harper, Keira Knightley adds some nice wallpaper to proceedings, but this is still a dreary thriller that starts off post 9-11 then goes all 1980's cold war.

This is a character rebooted three times now in five movies (more successfully with 'Patriot Games' and 'The Hunt For Red October') this you might expect to pop up on Channel 5 on a Sunday afternoon.

*****

3 Days To Kill (2014)


Costner 'goes' all Liam Neeson, old guy kicking ass in this Luc Besson penned bollocks. Costner is an international spy/hitman, who wants to retire to spend time with his estranged Wife and young daughter but he is dragged back into the industry on the promise of a life changing wonder drug.

The movies one redeeming asset.

The action when it happens is thick and fast, bloody with plenty of cartoon violence, but the film is dragged down by nauseating sentiment, Costner teaching his Kid to ride a bike, fly a kite whatever. The movie is set in France and director, the idiotic Mcg, hammers this home by showing  backdrops of the Eiffel Tower.....every 5 minutes during the movie. Amber Heard is purely in it for eye candy, each new more revealing  outfit complemented by more red lipstick, McG even throws in some misogyny with a P.O.V shot almost up Ms Heards leather dress!!!

Loud, brash, dopey nonsense.
*****

Pompeii (2014)

Sadly no Frankie Howard but the Ladies do get 'Game Of Thrones' muscles Kit Harrington and the rest of us get preposterous dialogue, hammy acting, crimes against history (pretty sure Britain didn't exist in 79AD) and finally lots of CGI explosions, tsunami's and a bloody huge eruption that cremates all below it, and hopefully the script writer and director Paul W.S Anderson who really has belched out some shocking movies.

Utter rubbish, could have done with some blood and guts, but entertaining rubbish for just under 2 hours.

*****

Non Stop (2014)

My hopes were high for some high octane daftness. Liam Neeson is a US Air Marshall on flight from the US to London, whilst in flight he starts to receive anonymous sinister cryptic texts  demanding a $150M ransom or passengers will be killed.

Liam has made himself a name as a bit of an action man recently, the 'Taken' films being a huge unexpected hit, but not even his Irish charms can stop this thriller from a crash landing. It all starts off promising, taut and edgy, Neeson suspicious of everyone, passengers, crew but about halfway through it loses direction and becomes all rather silly. Disappointing.

*****

Bullet (2014)

You know what to expect when a films called 'Bullet' and stars gnarly faced Danny Trejo as a Cop and 'Breaking Bads' Johnathan Banks (Mike) as a gangster.

Trejo plays 'Bullet' a cop who plays by his own rules (yeah!) who takes maters into his own hands when his grand-son is kidnapped by a drugs cartel in return for the release from the 'big house'. Yeah it's a Mexican grindhouse movie that had a budget of $3M and it looks it too. Trejo isn't really the action hero the film makers would have you believe, grisly and scarred, tough as old boots, yes, but after a shoot out or a bit of the old fisty cuffs he looks like he need a lie down. It all ends predictably with Bullet somehow taking on the entire cartel, and there's no guessing for who comes out on top.

The movies only saving grace is Banks as the cartel leader Carlito Kane who cranks the meanness up to 11, expect to see this sorry flick though gracing the dvd supermarkets bargain bins in the near future.

***** 

Homefront (2013)

An ex DEA agent Phil Broker (JASON STATHAM!) retires to a small town with his daughter hoping for a quiet life, but a minor dispute with some locals soon escalates and puts both their lives in danger.

Yep, it's the Stath doing what the Stath does best, crack heads and kick ass, and that what he does to who ever crosses his path. James Franco is his nemesis 'Gator', how's hat for a redneck name. The plot is predictable but movies like this are born for one reason, bad guys getting put down on their backsides and that's what our main man does!

Great Saturday night entertainment.

*****

Rush (2013)

Ron Howard (Ritchie from Happy Days!) directs 'Rush', the true story of the intense racing rivalry between James Hunt and Niki Lauder during the mid 1970's.

"Unmissable, thrilling, magnificent" just some of the blurb from the poster on what some critics thought and it's hard to disagree. The casting of Chris Hemsworth and Daniel Bruhl as Hunt and Lauder is inspired, brilliant performances from both of them, you love them both equally even with their major personality flaws, and in the acting class hard to name a winner, the 2 hr running time is filled with great story telling and intense race action superbly recreated in the 70s, the sound, the clothes, the decadence etc. If you know the story then you'll still be thrilled (Lauders near death crash chilling to the bone) and if you don't then lucky you!

Not just one of the movies of 2013 but genuinely a great sports movie of the highest quality.

*****

Lone Survivor (2014)

 

 

Four US Navy SEALS are sent on a covert mission in Afghanistan to kill a high level Taliban leader, they are ambushed in the unforgiving terrain of the Hindu Kush region, soon it becomes a terrifying fight for survival against a ferocious unrelenting enemy.

 

2014 blasts into action with this Peter Berg movie based on true events back in 2005, the moment the SEAL's are ambushed you feel like you are in the thick of the action, panic, bullets flying inches from your head, the assault is relentless, soldiers dive from RPG attacks, falling and crashing from rock to rock, great film-making and utterly riveting stuff, with another good stint from Messrs Wahlberg, Ben Foster and Eric Bana.

 

*****

Escape Plan (2013)

Stallone and Arnie are reunited...again, but sadly like 'The Expendables 2' it's another tired 80's style action movie. Stallone plays Ray Breslin, a man hired to test the security in prisons by escaping from them, a lob comes up with a big payout, but he is deceived and ends up and wrongly imprisoned by the private company running the prison.

Stallone mumbles his way through another film, as he did in 'Bullet To The Head' with zero charisma, Vinnie Jones turns up looking like a 21st Century Nazi, the whole thing is as brain dead as the inmates imprisoned in the penitentiary, and crashes to a finale with a machine gun fight and a big explosion, the only saving grace being Arnie who can still cut it with his larger than life screen presence.

***** 

Getaway (2013)

Ethan Hawke is Brent Magna (now there's a movie name) is a burnt out ex-race car driver, his Wife is kidnapped and he is forced to follow orders on a do or die mission by a mysterious voice.

IT'S CARMAGEDDON!

It's a life action 'Need For Speed' video game, a continuous loop of brain dead plot, car chases (why don't the Police deploy a helicopter?) explosions, and bad guys who can't shoot straight. Selena Gomez (aged 11) turns up as a precocious teen hoodie brat, but also a tech genius who's favourite word is "asshole", Jon Voight as the 'voice' is straight out of the 1960's James Bond hall of villains, minus purring white cat, this is the cinematic equivalent of banging your head on a car bonnet for 90 minutes, Nick Cage must have been busy during casting.

*****

Machete Kills (2013)

Danny Trejo is back as ex Federal agent 'Machete', this time recruited by a US President who no doubt drinks Tiger blood, yes Charlie Sheen!

As mental as the first instalment, this has all the ingredients of a late night Balti & Beer movie, bullets, babes and lots and lots of blood. Heads, arms, entire bodies are sliced off or through, the death count is Rambo 1, 2 and 3 combined! All the bad guys (and gals) can't shoot straight, there's two highly inventive death by helicopter blade scenes, and when you can't think it can get anymore insane, old 'sugar tits' Mel Gibson turns up as a James Bond style megalomaniac villain!!

Great fun, the only downer being not enough screen time for the Charms of Amber Heard as Miss San Antonio (swoon)

*****

Bounty Killer (2013)

 In a future world  ravaged by corporate greed death warrants are served on those responsible for the

breakdown in society, and it's the job of a group of Bounty hunters to serve out justice.


Yep we're in the B movie world of 'Death Proof' and 'Machete Kills', bullets, babes and Gary Busey!The plot is threadbare, the dialogue clumsy ("button your lip short dick") it does lose it's way at times, but the movies heart is in the right place (well mostly splattered against walls) with it's OTT comic book violence, 'Mad Max 2' high speed desert shoot-ups and the constant eye candy of Christian Pitre all rounded off with a 'Kill Bill' blood soaked finale.

Bloody daft but likable.

 

*****

Blood Of Redemption (2013)

Criminal mastermind Quinn (Billy Zane) has it all, power, money, a shiny bald head, but one day he loses what is most valuable to him when his Father is murdered by someone from his 'inner circle', with the help of his former henchman Axel (Alan Carr...only joking Dolph Lundgren) he aims to extract revenge on those who betrayed him.

Hardly a surprise but this is a straight to dvd release, any film that has a cast like this, with the addition of Vinnie Jones as a Cockerknee hard man, you know will be on offer at your local Morrisons for a fiver, and if you do shell out that much you'll feel ripped off!!

I wasn't expecting much, but this is excruciating viewing, a dull plodding storyline with a voiceover from the monotone Lundgren, a film chock full of wooden acting from characters with scars and creased faces, a painful musical score, comical action and fight scenes, though the one high light is an unbelievable fight scene between Lundgren and a dominatrix whilst a topless buxom woman screams abuse whilst they trade blows!

Dominatrix bruiser- "KISS MY ASS!"
Axel- "....maybe next time"

A movie so poor even Channel 5 would turn down....actually it'll probably be on one Saturday night this Winter.

*****

Kick Ass 2 (2013)

The first Kick Ass movie a few years ago I ventured to my local multiplex to see, for once, not knowing a thing about the movie, I avoided all reviews, and it turned out to be a triumph, a  mad, bad, potty mouthed original comic book movie with comic book style violence.

Three years later we get a sequel, a sequel that only the studio executives seem to want, Kick Ass was a one off, not a franchise, the early reviews were quite scathing, were they justified? Sadly yes.

The humour and comic book style violence has been replaced by a darker nastier, unpleasant feel, Jim Carey has distanced himself from the final product, and you can kind of see why .Not having the father figure Big Daddy, played by Nick Cage, is a major loss, the father/daughter relationship of the original was one of its major backbones, Mindy goes all 'Mean Girls' when she reluctantly  hangs up her costume, the villains and good guys are pretty dull bar Carey, as Colonel Stars And Stripes, and a mad buxom Bridgette Nielson  type Eastern European headcase.

Messy, somewhat unpleasant (rape gag anyone?) ultimately pointless.

*****